72 Ways to Spot a Die Hard Gamer

July 02, 2009 at 07:07:24 AM, by Blair Mathis

So, you suspect your daughter/son/friend/relative is a die hard, as addicted as addicted can be, will-freak-out-if-you-cancel-their-Warcraft-account gamer. We're here to tell you--you're not alone.

1: Scream for everyone on the network to get off the Internet so their ping lowers.

2: Refuse to sell their massive video game collection even if their car is being repo'ed or their home foreclosed.

3: Have gotten a job only so he/she could pay for a generator to keep their computer up and running in the event of a power outage. And no, you cannot power your laptop with a bicycle generator.

4: Be able to recall hundreds of cheat codes but have no idea what the dates of important events are.

6: Dream of being a video game tester.

7: Say they can play the guitar when it's really only Guitar Hero.

8: Spend all day in their rooms, hovering over their computer, snarling whenever someone gets too close, and you're not certain when the last time they went the bathroom was.

9: Have hamsters with names like Kratos, Harman Smith, and Ryu Hayabusa.

10: Use the phrase, "Oh yeah? Well, spec me!" and "You gemmed improperly."

11: Argue philosophically about why Father Grigori deserves more recognition than Freeman in Half Life 2.

12: Be able to play the Mario theme song on every instrument created.

Or on the flute, the guitar, or on a 11 string bass guitar

13: Boast about the ability to mod an original Xbox with a blindfold on.

14: Have a ROM for every NES, SNES, N64, Gameboy, Genesis, Game Gear, NeoGeo, and NeoGeo Pocket game ever created.

15: Give their game characters a personality test to see if they're compatible.

16: Request to be taken to the pediatric ward in the event of hospitalization so they can play the hospital Nintendo Wii.

17: Have a crush on at least one video game character.

18: Position their hands as if holding an invisible controller while sleeping.

19: Choose a new game over a girlfriend/boyfriend. Or at least try desperately to turn them into gamers.

20: Jump on and kick any turtle they see. Hide your turtles, kids.

21: Have over 10k posts on a random gaming forum.

22: Prefer to be referred to as his online gaming persona, not his real name.

23: Have nightmares that take place in a video game world.

24: Be as proud of a virtual achievement/trophy as a real one.

25: Call peoples newbies or newbs outside of the virtual world.

26: Consider what bills can be postponed so that a new game can be purchased.

27: Have a freak-out like "the WoW Kid" at least once.

28: Possibly sport an Xbox, Playstation, or Nintendo tattoo.

29: Flinch occasionally, fearing that a sniper might take them out at any moment.

30: Scream 'hitpoints!" when they run something over.

31: Have intense eye-hand coordination; they can pluck a fly from thin air (maybe).

32: Consume dozens of energy drinks in a 12-hour-period.

33: Assuming number 30 is correct, they will also have been on dialysis at some point in their life.

34: Have pallid skin and a generous spare tire.

35: Be unable to grip things, such as a fork, cell phone, or any non-game controller due to carpal tunnel syndrome.

36: Be incapable of holding a long conversation without mentioning Zelda, Mario, Guybrush Threepwood or any other game character at least once.

37: Name their favorite character's traits as things they are looking for in a partner/spouse.

38: Sport a a beard like a fifty-year-old Amish man. Who has time to shave when the world needs saving? (if the gamer is female, there may also be unkempt hair, but we're not speculating on the locale of that one).

39: Know all movie versions of Street Fighter. Even the Jackie Chan version.

The original with Jean-Claude Van Damme (1994) , The Legend of Chun Li (2009) , the animated movie (1994), and of course The Later Years (2006).

40: Experience audio hallucinations, hearing guns shots, sword swipes, or whatever sound effect goes along with their preferred type of gaming (when they're not actually playing, of course).

41: Proudly announce that they are a geek while picking on nerds.

42: Refer to morbidly obese people as Robotniks.

43: Randomly talk in Simlish.

43: Claim to own their own home, when really it only exists in the Sims.

44: Read books only out of hope that one will transport them to a different world.

45: Believe they live in San Andreas and start 'collecting' cars and other vehicles.

46: Scream, "Stop camping in the spawn!" when they see baseball players in the dugout.

47: Eat lots of mushrooms in hopes of getting Shaq-tall.

48: Have scoped out prime sniping locations in all the places they frequent in the event that zombies appear.

49: Ask, when coming to your home for the first time, "What's your frag limit?"

50: Smash barrels and bricks in hopes of finding bananas and coins.

51: Insist their school provide Wii Fit as an acceptable form of gym class.

52: Associate constipation with Max Payne.

53: See a dealer about purchasing a warthog.

54: Request that their vehicle's steering controls be replaced with a joystick.

55: Scream Flashbang! when someone cracks a curtain.

56: Sell their Mac so they can afford a better PC.

57: Do life-threatening things thinking they'll respawn if something happens.

58: Request a medpack after tripping.

59: Try to save their homework after finishing.

60: Unlock your apartment/car and here the achievement ping in your head.

61: Look at you funny when you claim to have accomplished something and ask, "But did you do it on expert?

62: Believe a war can be won by one person with a gun and a few grenades.

63: Request a 'new game smell' for their car interior.

64: Write erotic fanfiction involving sexy game characters.

65: Choose to break both legs over one thumb when given the option.

66: Play from sun up to sundown and then complain that the day is too short.

67: Have DVDs of every gaming session they've ever played sorted into chronological order.

68: Email clips of said recordings to friends every time they break a record.

69: Have actually won money playing Halo.

70: Have insurance to cover their computer[s], games, and peripherals , but probably won't have insurance for themselves, their pets, or their apartment (assuming they've made it out of their parents basement).

71: Own one of these.

72: Be comfortable enough with themselves to smile and see the humor in this article.

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